Dear President Obama,
On behalf of the N.R.A., I would like to thank you for your generous assistance in helping our gun sales. Although I admit you never advocated a law restricting gun sales, every time someone lie and say you did, our gun sales multiply tenfold. Although gun ownership is ubiquitous in the United States, “you can never have to many guns” as my granddaddy always said. Getting back to what I was saying, the purpose of this letter is to ask you to repeat your recent statement that “we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this regardless of the politics.” Mr. President, I fully understand the gravitas of your message. If you don’t want to say that, it will be greatly appreciated if you would just say anything you want about gun violence, as it will definitely help our sales. Have to dash now, as my good buddy Dick Cheney and I are going on a hunting trip.
National Rifle Association